Monday, September 13, 2004

101 things I don't get...

1. The appeal of Justin Timberlake.
2. Ordering a hamburger – with a salad.
3. Car racing – whether you’re watching it on television (endless
drone) or at a raceway (head-splitting drone) the cars are just
going around and around. Who wants to watch that?
4. Why in cartoons ladies all have the same shaped breasts, while in
real life, the variation is a lot more extreme.
5. Capers. (The eating kind. Cutting ‘em, going on ‘em – that I get.)
6. Bitters. (The drinking kind. The pissy, disappointed, cynical,
whiney, “nothing good ever happens to me” kind – that I get.)
7. European shiny industrial-type toilet paper.
8. Stinky cheese. (Though I heartily approve of ‘The Stinky Cheese
Man’ story book.)
9. Any kind of cheese, really.
10. Hiking into a frozen wilderness.
11. Cricket. (The game. The pests – those I get.)
12. Game shows that make you eat live bugs.
13. Why PETA isn’t all in a state about live bug eating.
13. Sylvester Stallone.
14. Vicious, depressed, bitter people who choose a career in customer service.
15. Why the dog, who loves treats, begs for treats – essentially lives
for treats – and who will eat almost any disgusting thing, has to
sniff the treat I offer her before she’ll eat it.
16. Why dentists need to be told that you are afraid of pain.
17. How even in a relatively small group picked randomly, you
invariably always get all the personality types from A to ZZZZZ…
but always more A’s
18. The career of Courtney Love.
19. The music of Courtney Love.
20. Why (according to Henri Charriere who wrote Papillon) if you put
things in your bottom, the one you put in first comes out first.
21. Cheez Wiz.
22. How they figured out to put snails in garlic butter.
24. How Alan Greenspan knows the things he knows.
25. Where the Giant Squid hides.
26. Why people watch Fox News.
27. Why guys soup up the engines of their cars and motorbikes so it
sounds like they’re broken and the guy is too cheap to fix it.
28. Wagner’s Ring Cycle.
29. Lava lamps
30. Lavalife
31. Men with beards but no moustaches. WHY?!
32. Companies that advertise on Popups – they piss EVERYBODY off.
33. Blank verse.
34. Why planes stay up in the air.
35. Why I always get a toothache on long weekends.
36. The appeal of most things Prada – especially the shoes.
37. The popularity of the sitcom Full House.
38. How the Air Farce is funny.
39. Orlando Bloom.
40. How under the headline “In praise of older women” there was a
picture of 46 year old Annette Bening.
42. Why in game shows where contestants vote each other off, people
feel betrayed when it happens to them.
43. Why people bring a breakfast consisting of 2 pounds of bacon, a
loaf of buttered bread and a dozen eggs (scrambled with cream) to
people who are confined to their beds by morbid obesity.
44. 14 year olds.
45. People tattooing their faces.
46. The Gotti’s.
47. George Hamilton-style tanning.
48. Calculus.
49. Global warming.
50. The mystery of the Loch Ness Monster; is it there or not?
51. Why tomatoes – even the expensive ones – taste like crap these
52. Why everyone acted like it was the end of the world when
‘Friends’ ended.
53. Why everyone thought Phoebe was so charming and wacky, when
really she was a stupid, mean girl who often stole things.
54. Why John Roberts is going to replace Dan Rather on the CBS
Evening News.
55. Incredibly expensive magazines about minimalist design.
56. Mel Lastman.
57. How as you get older, time really does go by faster.
58. Why if I’m vacuuming up a bunch of stuff, if a penny gets sucked
up I have to empty the bag to get it back. (Part two: why do I
believe that it’s against the law to throw away money? Is it?)
(Part three: especially when I have at least a dozen outfits I’ve
bought and never worn.)
59. Why the past seems so wonderful.
60. Arnold Scharwzenegar
61. Why Maria Shriver married the above.
62. How rich privileged people like Barbara Amiel Black feel so
comfortable passing judgment on the poor. Wouldn’t it be funny
if the reverse were to happen!
63. What Sass Jordan on Canadian Idol has to be so pompous about.
64. Ditto Zack Werner. Who the heck is he anyway?
65. How to get ahead.
66. How some people are so tidy. Naturally.
67. Why every time I get on the highway and drive to my girlfriend’s
cottage, my muffler breaks. Is it her? Is it the cottage?
68. Why if I have a nice speaking voice (and I do) I sing like a
strangled cat.
69. My accountant’s obsession with collecting every receipt, bill,
invoice and bank statement. She should relax and just round it all
70. Why I can never remember the weather like other people – what
years were hot or cold or wet; they’re all hot and cold and wet to
one degree or another. Right?
71. How I collected all these bits of paper.
72. The metric system.
73. Beer. It smells like skunk to me.
74. Why Jon Stewart can balance the absurdity of politics with the
weirdness of the American psyche on a little satirical news
program and the gigantic cable networks can’t.
75. The sneakiness of not picking up your dog’s poo.
76. Boiled root vegetables. Yuk.
77. How republicans can so successfully denigrate our health system
while millions of Americans simply cannot afford to get sick.
78. Why some Canadian politicians seem bound and determined to
take us down the same path.
79. What kind of sub-human creatures sexually abuse people in
their care and happily pose for snaps whilst doing it.
80. The sexual appeal of Fred Durst. Or Kate Hudson’s husband, or
that weird Dave Navarro guy.
81. How fast Britney Spears is falling apart.
82. How stringy Madonna looks.
83. Why Jeff Bridges is so undervalued as an actor.
84. How I can go months – even years – without sunflower seeds,
then go on a weeklong binge until my eyes are so puffed up
by all the salt I can’t see to go to the store and get some more.
85. How they get the ship in the bottle.
86. The secret of telling jokes well.
87. Why more people don’t see the similarity between Bob Hope and
Kelsey Grammar.
88. Why Kelsey Grammar always seems to marry strippers.
89. Why anyone cares where the red fern grows.
90. Why ‘Cow and Chicken’ was cancelled. (And therefore ‘I Am
Weasel’ too.)
91. How we managed before answering machines, voicemail and call
display. I understand people just picked up the phone when it
92. How life goes on when someone we love dies.
93. Why good things happen to bad people. All the time!
94. Why movie theatre popcorn, store bought birthday cake and
franchise purchased fried chicken tastes so much better than
95. Why people think ‘The West Wing’ is so true to life.
96. Donatella Versace.
97. Seriously pointy-toed shoes.
98. Fake boobs beyond the visual appeal. (Or reconstructive.)
99. Why there really are two ways of doing things: the easy way… and
the right way.
100. Why women are still second class citizens. They are you know.
101. How George W. Bush became the leader of the free world – and
how it looks as though he’s going to do it again.

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