Wednesday, March 31, 2004

I Love Company

Is it just me, or has the world lately become a crabbier place? I ask because I know I'm crabbier, and if the world can in any way be embodied by an objectively and scientifically selected representative group (my friends), then we're looking at at least an international incident,if not a universal conflagration.
Fact: Most of us are freelancers in one way or another and as such are nearly always poised on the edge of utter financial ruin.
In large part our current misery is due to the crummy economic climate in Canada, which, while it's done nothing to stem the flow of unpaid bills crammed into our overstuffed letterboxes, has likely done more for the upswing in Distress Centre Suicide Hotline statistics than a convenient cliff does for lemmings. (The Distress Centre: now there's an organisation sure to get their funding renewed. Lucky bastards.)
Fact: Most of us are whiney anyway.
It's true. All of us are Canadian citizens and feel it our personal, not to mention collective duty to observe the rest of the world's various appalling debacles (terrorism, war, starvation, stupid politicians) and provide the official 'tut tut'. The enormous responsibility is exhausting - and since the coronation of GB II, we've hardly had a moment to spare to look at our own soggy, scandalous mess...
Fact: We're tired.
See above.
Fact: Right here in Canada we're in the midst of our own soggy, scandalous mess.
You can tell things have reached desperate proportions when the entire Canadian news media - from whacked out right, to spongey left - are running virtually the same editorials, damning the Liberal government to Hell (aka Ottawa) and back. Further evidence of the shambolic nature of our country's descent into madness will be clinched by the majority government the Liberals are sure to win come election day.
Fact: The media cannot save us.
For everyone counting on a television talkshow-based deliverance from evil... give it up. As media scribe Antonia Zerbisias noted in her Toronto Star column yesterday, referring to the quality of coverage of the recent 9/11 hearings: "No coverage of the testimony has matched that on The Daily Show with Jon'll find journalism far more trenchant than anything on the [American network] Sunday news/talk shows...". It's true. As faithful readers will note, I've been a far more trenchant supporter of Jon Stewart than even his rotten undeserving wife I'll bet - but as I've noted before (and am going to note once again... right now) The Daily Show is on comedy cable; whilst it's true that (for instance) the Messiah's return would receive a far more trenchant response from Comedy Central viewers, were He to reveal Himself in a swirling cloud of fire and smoke, He'd still have to book an appearance on Larry King Live on CNN if He wanted to get the demographics right. Sad but trenchantly true. (Though I have high hopes He'll make time in his apocolyptic schedule to pay Jon a visit - give him his props Saviour!)
Fact: This spring's fashion colours are powder pink, sunshine yellow and loopy lime.
Kool Aid flavours? No. the shade of things to come - and as everybody knows, when the fashion world throws cheerful at us, we're looking at another season or so of economic exigency. Plus, I look like crap in pastels.
Fact: Diets don't work.
Scientific news stories over the past several years credited diet guru Dr Atkins (until his death from a cardiac condition last year...) with the bestest, fastest, tastiest diet ever created. The late doctor's no carbs/all the fat you can eat philosophy made the hearts of fat people the world over beat just a bit louder... but as it also turned out, a bit more sluggishly too. Atkins doesn't work. South Beach doesn't work. Weight watcher's, Jenny Craig, The Scarsdale, The Grapefruit, The disgusting Cabbage Soup diet - none of them work.
Eat less and exercise more - that works. Thank you very much. My tight powder pink pedal pushers thank you too.
Fact: The weather sucks.
Need I say more?

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